An eating disorder can make you feel like you have a sense of control when things feel out of control. It is a coping skill that enables you to stuff down feelings that are too uncomfortable to feel. You may have found it necessary to stuff feelings for your survival. Your eating disorder in a way is what saved you. But when strength becomes a weakness, it’s time to look at better ways to channel that strength. As we know, eating disorders can certainly ruin your life, and may even kill you.
It’s best to work with a therapist who can help hold your emotions until you are no longer overwhelmed by them. Slowly, you and the therapist begin to process those experiences and feelings; replacing the eating disorder with healthier coping skills such as journaling, walking, finding a safe person, relaxation exercises, and more. You begin to notice your self-esteem improving.
You may have held all the emotions for your family, or been cut off from your own feelings. No one in your family was brave enough to acknowledge that something was wrong. You were the one with the eating disorder, crying out, “There’s something wrong here!” You may have recognized the dysfunction and felt unhappy.
So in a way, you were the strong one, but you became the identified patient in your family. However, eating disorders are not an individual problem. They are a family systems problem. In fact, studies indicate that it is best to treat the person within the family system.
Some people may be lucky enough to repair the damaged relationships. This may not be an option for you, but even if your family can never change, by participating in counseling and/or a group, you can learn to give yourself what you needed, but never received.
From here, you can go on to create your own family and build healthy relationships. You can surround yourself with friends who will care for you as you care for them. That’s the great thing – you get to choose.
There is life after an eating disorder. Although it has become your identity, perhaps for many years, you can begin to create a new identity. For those afraid they will become fat, it doesn’t have to be that way. There is strength in how you controlled your eating disorder. Some of those are good qualities, like discipline for instance. Now you can channel that discipline into more healthy and balanced ways.
First, you need someone to validate your experiences and feelings, process them with you, and support you as you grieve. You may come to feel that you have some power and efficacy. In counseling we say, you found your voice.
If you’re reading this, you have already taken a very brave step towards reaching out for help. I hope you will continue on your journey to recovery. If you have any other questions about the group or counseling, please feel free to call and set up a consultation.
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“So in a way, you were the strong one, but you became the identified patient in your family.”
I very much identify with this, even though I didn’t come from a dysfunctional family or develop my ED as a response to them. The constant framing of anorexia as “weak” made it extremely challenging for me to accept that I had an eating disorder at all, because in my mind, what I was doing was making me stronger.
Yes, that’s the distorted thinking. But, at that time that’s what helped you cope. Luckily, you survived and broke free. Good for you! Thanks for sharing.